I held my baby in my arms and waited to be called in for the doctor. It was our second check-up after he was born and I hoped he had gained weight.
He looked different. He had definitely gotten longer. His hair didn’t change much (being crowned with a full head of hair when he was conceived), but his neck looked longer and face looked more and more like Daddy, so my hopes were high. All my kids had improved in their weight after they came out, even if they had jaundice, and so this boy would, too. His eyes, which had concerned me at first, were no longer yellow and he looked more normal than before.
When they said he was 6 lbs, 12 oz my heart plummeted. That is 1 lb from a week ago and 2 lbs from when he was born. What happened? What is wrong?
I went into the room and held him, fed him, changed him.
I tried not to get emotional.
When the doctor came in, the dreaded thing no mama who is trying to breastfeed wants to hear happened.
He isn’t getting enough and so I need to supplement with formula.
I began to cry.
That was not what I wanted to hear.
The doctor talked with me about why it may be happening as I tried to regain control over my emotions. Why was I not producing?
I may just not be eating and drinking enough is what the doctor and I concluded. We discussed how I was 260lbs right before the baby came out and now I am 229lbs. That is a lot of pounds to drop in two weeks, even with a part of that being the baby.
I told the doctor that with the blood pressure issue and medicine, it has been hard for me energy wise. Because of that, I have a hard time making food at different parts of the day.
I also think, because I had to be so aware of food and what I was eating during the pregnancy, I would get nervous about what I can eat or cannot eat (gestational diabetes can affect your brain 🙂 ) now, even though the baby is out. I would look in the fridge, not be sure what to pick, forget about it and go back around a bigger meal-time. And so I wasn’t eating all throughout the day, even when I was hungry, and I probably wasn’t drinking as much as I needed to.
So now I am trying to do that. It almost feels wrong to eat so much, but again, I want to keep breastfeeding the baby, so I need to produce more milk in order to do so. Which means I need to eat.
I also kept wondering if my hypothyroid has changed since the baby came out? It is something I mentioned to the doctor but they said to supplement and to just eat and drink more and they will look at the thyroid later.
But all in all I do want my baby to grow. So, even as I work on myself, I will push back the hurt as much as I can and feed him that bottle of formula…which I now have to buy because we weren’t planning on bottle feeding him.
With all that being said, my heart goes out to every mother who has ever fully desired to breastfeed and couldn’t. I mostly could for most of my kids and so I shouldn’t complain about any of this. Getting to number five and not giving him all he needs may be upsetting but I realize God has a plan, even in that. God knew all of what was going to happen. He knew what was going on. How I would feel. He is there with me, helping me not be as sad and helping me to get over some of my pride when I want to say, “I don’t want to give him a bottle!”
I have cried since a little since then. I am still processing it. It really just happened yesterday. Breastfeeding helps you connect with your baby in so many ways and levels that you don’t get with a bottle and I have to just give that to God. I was told I should pump, which is another thing in and of itself, so yeah. So far, I will just keep plugging along, supplementing and praying that we won’t have to do this for the long haul. But if we do, God is still good. God knows what He is doing. I just need to trust Him.
I really think through all of this having the baby and all the issues that have come through it all, God keeps asking me to surrender areas that I have a death grip on or that I was worried about and didn’t give to him. Things I thought I was controlling, which where really just all in my imagination. Things that were a priority to me, instead of Him. I am thankful that He works on me and shows me that I still need Him and that it isn’t the end of the world. Just like in my last post, God is trying to get me back to what really is important. And it isn’t breastfeeding. It’s Him.
Though at times I can wish for things to be different, I truly pray God helps me in those times to just be thankful that things aren’t worse and that He really is working all things together for good.
Anything you have been struggling in that you need prayer for? Comment below and I will keep you in my prayers!