So, though Trim Healthy Mama is my main guide for better food, there are times I veer off to find the missing component: why am I eating the way I’ve been eating, even if it is better food?
It’s kind of like a disease that never goes away (well, at least not yet…see, there’s still hope!).
You try things, and even when they are good for you, you find yourself “slipping by the wayside”, as they say, and feeling like you’ll never get back up.
Don’t Give Up!
So, I challenged myself to read this book Body Clutter: Love Your Body, Love Yourself by Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely in a week (because I have to bring it back to the library in two and I have another book sitting here!).
It really is hitting areas I haven’t wanted to touch. They ask you journal some of your issues out (grab your notebooks, people!) because getting it out of you is a good thing! I forget how much I like to do that. I would rather get some of it out then let it stay stuck inside to fester in icky goo…yes, I did just say icky goo. One think good about writing: Sometimes I forget about it after I write it because I just needed to vent it out somewhere or get the thoughts out and, while I am writing, get the answer I was looking for. Like “why am I doing things this way?”
So, I divided the book by pages when I first got it (remember, only a week to read it!). There are 224 pages of this book I need to read. I made a goal of reading about 34 pages a night.
I enjoyed certain parts so much that I read more than that (mostly in the beginning), and am working on the last couple of chapters as we speak! (Actually, that was three days ago! I am done with it now!).
But with all that said, I wanted to share with you some quotes from the first chapter and possibly some of my own responses to the journaling questions. If you want to pick up the book for yourself, feel free! I found this copy at my local library. (But you can also go to Amazon by clicking on the title, or even the book above!)
“None of us can deny that at times we have used food as a drug.”
I think we need a Food Anonymous Class.
“Yes, I am a foodie for the wrong reasons.”
“Yes, I eat emotionally.”
“Yes, I use food to make me feel better or worse, depending on the day.”
“Yes, I may be killing myself off slowly but I don’t know how to deal with life.”
We struggle with this, people! (I do, anyway.)
When you have given the power over to food, you know, and it really is an addiction.
Repeat after me: I am addicted to food.
If you did that, good for you! The first step sometimes is recognizing what it is: an addiction.
“We have to learn to be good to our body and to stop and think before we feed the feelings.”
“We need three basics to live: food to eat, water to drink, and air to breathe. We also need love and relationships with other people. We have hungry hearts that long for soul connections. When they don’t happen or when they are short-changed, we often look for a way to self-medicate the pains and disappointment. For many of us, medication takes the form of food.”
I find that the above quote is very relevant to me. I find that when I am not in relationship or not connecting with people I eat more. I hate thinking that I do that, but I do. And I need victory!
“I didn’t realize it at the time but food became a shield for me. It kept out the pain and repelled those I wanted to leave me alone – mainly, my husband…I used my weight gain as part of my excuse. Subconsciously, I allowed myself to continue gaining so that he would not be interested in me intimately, either. This behavior became a habit, and the weight kept creeping on and creeping on until I finally hit the plus-size clothing. Even then I didn’t stop.”
“Food seemed all-powerful only when I gave it power. I had relinquished control to food for too long…”
That last quote fits the bill. We have become mindless, emotional eaters. We have allowed the food to be the king of our life instead of God. We have looked to others to fill us instead of God. And when others have failed us, we have turned to food (and other things, actually, but since this book is talking about food, let’s stick to that). It’s amazing to think about, right?
At the end of that first chapter, entitled “Food: The Ultimate Weapon of Self-Destruction”, she asks you to find a journal and answer a few questions, like “look back for your first memory of comfort food. Is it a certain food or any food?” What foods are hard for you to give-up? Things of that nature.
Here is some of what I wrote:
I can only remember (right now) Mrs. S (a woman who was babysitting me at one time) telling me I would get fat if I kept eating like I was (that was around 5th or 6th grade). I think my Mom was working all the time so as ways to be together we would go to bakeries or bring home a treat/something sweet. I don’t remember a first time of using food to comfort myself but I know I did. I also remember taking cheese and bread from the fridge when I came home from school. I would smush the bread into a bread ball and eat it. I would also take the the cheese and fold it into a bunch of pieces and eat one piece at t ime. It was when I was home alone and had nothing to do. I was very lonely growing up.
My Mom had a hole in her heart and was feeding it. I was lonely and started feeding mine, too. I was an only child and eventually was criticized a lot where I felt dumb by family, neighbors and peers. I was told I had no common sense and other things by relatives. I really think all of that led to me not caring for myself and eating was one way to find comfort.
The foods that usually caused me the most trouble are cereal, cookies and cake (I still have trouble in these areas). I like the taste of cookies in milk (though milk by itself was not always my favorite and now is not really the best option for me). Cookies always made me think of my Mom and Christmas time. I felt close to her when we shared a treat.
Now that I am older I find at times I eat this way so I can hurt myself somehow. She mentioned self-abuse in the book and I really think that hits it on the nail. I eat for comfort when I am upset or eat when I am depressed and don’t care and know I won’t do anything else to myself. This type of self-loathing is unacceptable.
So that is what I wrote in my journal. As I reread what I wrote my heart gets sad. Food should not have that control. There are deep rooted issues here. God is starting a work and I am willing for it to happen. I need to break free from this idol, this “Stinkin’ Thinkin”.
It’s funny how much I forgot that journaling out all things helps. Another thing that is helping me is a Discover Life group. Are you curious? Check out one of their sites here, and listen to sermons here.
How would you respond?
Be inspired today! Even in the struggles, we can still all be moving towards Christ and encouraging each other to take the next step toward freedom!